


Crap Jokes

by knee_knee



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/F, Mild Smut, and the SHIELD Academy is more like uni, in which skye's a stand-up comedian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-17
Updated: 2015-03-17
Packaged: 2018-03-18 08:13:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3562559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knee_knee/pseuds/knee_knee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For fic prompt #7 - university.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crap Jokes

The Boiler Room was heaving with students and Skye felt butterflies begin to well up in her stomach at the thought of performing in front of so many people. Digest them, she thought as she stepped away from the bar and began weaving her way toward the DJ box. 

The compère – Bobbi, Skye was sure her name was Bobbi – stepped up onto the small makeshift stage that had been erected along the far wall, and began to announce the evening’s entertainment. Open Mic Night was a fairly new addition to the SHIELD Academy’s event calendar but so far it had proved popular, though sometimes the performers were filled with false confidence. Last week, a guy from Skye’s CompSci class had murdered The Cure’s song ‘Just Like Heaven’ and been booed off the stage. Skye hadn’t seen him since, apparently he hadn’t lived down the embarrassment quite yet.

Before she had a chance to steel herself, Skye’s name had been called and Bobbi was beckoning her onstage.

‘Hey there, my name’s Skye,’ she said with all the confidence she could muster while her hands trembled holding the microphone. ‘It’s really great to see so many of you. Should be a good night! I don’t like to brag but, at my last gig I got a standing ovation.’ Skye paused, trying not to squint as the techies finally moved the spotlight onto her. ‘Yeah, from the whole audience. All four people.’

There were a few chuckles. Skye tried not to throw up.

‘So I just had a birthday, yeah I turned forty-two… I’m kidding, god the front row looked a bit freaked then. And there’s a woman in the back thinking, shit I wonder what face cream she uses… That, my friend, is simple. I just bathe in the blood of virgins and also drink lots of water. It’s very important to keep hydrated.’ 

She let a little smile creep onto her face as she got a few genuine laughs. I can so do this, she thought as she stopped shaking long enough to move about the stage.

‘Hang on, where was I? Right! Birthday. No, I turned twenty-one. It’s a weird age, especially if you happen to be a part of SHIELD, because out in the field we get caught up in all sorts of crazy, super dangerous stuff, right? Some of you out there have probably almost died at least once.’ 

There was a murmur of assent. Skye pulled a face, nodding to the audience members she could see. 

‘My point is that our life expectancy is a bit hit or miss. We could live to a ripe old age, cash in our pensions and fritter it away on boiled sweets and pimping our mobility scooters. Or we could get eaten by, like, a giant flying alien worm next week. So, knowing all this, my flatmate got me an Eco-Urn for my birthday. I kid you not, a fucking URN. Think I might move out…’

The audience were laughing. Oh thank God, thought Skye before hoping that Raina, her flatmate, hadn’t come along tonight. She’d said she was going out, though Skye hadn’t asked where. Most of the time Raina was alright, but she was also completely nuts. It was best to stay in her good books.

‘She was so psyched about it though, because apparently you put the dead persons ashes in it right, and then bury it. But there’s seeds in it or whatever so you end up growing into a tree. It’s supposed to be all poetic, like, oh look you live on as a majestic tree! Your loved ones can come and hug the tree and feel close to you, blah blah blah. Yeah that’s great, until you get chopped down and made into toilet paper or IKEA flatpack furniture. I don’t know about you but being made into a friggen BALAVIG bookshelf doesn’t sound like fun.’

Skye stuck her free hand in her pocket and slouched about the stage, kicking her feet as the audience laughed. 

‘I hate IKEA furniture. Its crap and it’s everywhere!’ Skye hands started to dart around as she spoke and she had to stop herself a few times from bringing the microphone away from her mouth mid-sentence. ‘My apartment is full of IKEA crap. I think that’s probably true for any student apartment off campus, right? Give me a cheer if your house is full of IKEA crap.’

There was a roar from the audience. Skye smirked.

‘Yay, lots of us. My landlord thinks it’s the height of sophistication. He also thinks he can get away with calling the burst pipe in the kitchen a water feature though sooo… I said, oh hey is that black mold? He went oh no, no, it’s vintage. Vintage??! There’s nothing vintage about respiratory distress, my friend. Can’t make that look better with an Instagram filter. Perhaps that’s the way I’ll go out, the mold will get me before the giant alien worms ever can.’

Skye grinned, coming to stop at the end of the stage and leaning against the corner of the DJ box. She was hoping that she looked like the definition of cool, because you never knew who was watching.

‘Y’know stand-up comedy is weird, everyone always says to talk about what you know so you end up just talking about yourself. Which is lucky for me I suppose. I know myself so well that sometimes I finish my own sentences.’

It was cheesy, Skye knew that but apparently somebody liked it. A squeal came from stage right and Skye quickly turned to see who it was, squinting and grinning into the audience. The house lights were dim but she could just make out faces.

‘Christ, someone liked that joke. Are you alright? It’s been a while since I’ve made a girl make that noise… What’s your name, chuckles?’ 

‘It’s Simmons,’ said a voice and Skye followed it to a table near the bar. There were three figures sitting there and the light from the bar gleamed off the girl’s hair. It looked short and unruly. Skye was already playing mental Guess Who, flicking through her classmates faces in her mind. She was almost certain she didn’t know any Simmons. Definitely not any Brits either.

‘Simmons? What are you studying Simmons?’ Skye wanted to make sure they hadn’t crossed paths. That would be embarrassing, though truthfully she wasn’t great at remembering faces. 

‘Biochemistry,’ said Simmons and Skye nodded. 

‘Awesome, I have a joke just for you then,’ clearing her throat, Skye stood up straight and began to chant. ‘Sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium sodium BATMAN!’

The audience laughed, but Skye could only hear Simmons.

‘Okay, okay another… Two scientists walk into a bar. The first says, “I’ll have a H2O”. The second says, “I’ll have a H20 too”. He died.’

Skye couldn’t stop grinning as she began pacing again.

‘Right last one because I’m running out of time. How do you organise a space party?’ She paused, knowing full well that these jokes were crap. She just hoped they were so crap they were good. ‘You planet.’

Simmons laughed the loudest.

‘Thank you, you’ve been an awesome audience. Don’t all rush to stand up and applaud. Seriously, you’ve been great and I’ve been Skye! If you want me, I’ll be propping up the bar for the rest of the evening.’

Bobbi gave her a slap on the back as she jumped down off the stage, handing her microphone over, and heading for the bar once again. The audience were still clapping as Bobbi began to introduce the next act and those she passed gave her nods of appreciation. Not too shabby, thought Skye as she leant against the bar and nodded at the bartender. 

‘Here, let me get that for you,’ said a familiar voice.

Skye turned and there was Simmons, a lot closer and less blurry than before. 

‘Thanks,’ said Skye, letting Simmons order and lean against the bar next to her. ‘So, you liked my terrible jokes then?’

‘Oh yes,’ Simmons said with a brilliant smile. The bartender set their drinks down and she handed over the cash. ‘You did very well, especially in front of so many people. Personally, I don’t think I could handle it.’

‘I’m glad. Honestly, I was so sure I was going to freeze up the second that spotlight hit me. Guess I did alright. Cheers.’ 

They clinked their beer bottles together and sipped in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Simmons waved at the table she’d been sitting at earlier and her friends waved back. Skye recognised one of them from her brief stint on the engineering module. 

‘You know Fitz?’

‘Yes, he’s my best friend. He mentioned that he knew you from last year’s classes. Do you want to go sit with them?’ Skye shrugged and Simmons nodded. ‘That’s Trip, he’s lovely. Technically he’s part of Operations but he’s been helping Fitz and I prepare for our field assessments.’

‘Ahh think I could use a guy like him, I’m a crap shot.’

‘Me too. Last time, I shot out one of the windows of the armoury. Target was nowhere near there of course. Total disaster. Fitz couldn’t stop laughing.’ Simmons rolled her eyes and slouched a little closer to Skye.

‘Well, what are friends for right? If it’s any consolation, half the time I still get confused with the safety catch and the magazine release. Can’t count the number of times I’ve gone to shoot and found that my clips gone. Baddies beware, right?’

Simmons was chuckling again and Skye watched her out of the corner of her eye. She was absolutely stunning, especially when she smiled. 

A few drinks later and Skye was feeling bold. She set her empty bottle down on the bar and turned to Simmons, biting the bullet.

‘So, shoot me down in flames if you like but, do you want to get out of here?’ Skye tried not to let her voice shake with nerves, then visibly relaxed when Simmons didn’t turn on her heel and leave. 

In fact, Simmons grinned. She grabbed Skye’s hand and pulled her toward the exit, waving in her friends’ direction as they looked on amused.

Skye was astonished to learn that Simmons’ room, though still on campus, happened to contain one BALAVIG bookshelf. It was completely overstuffed with books and Skye was surprised it hadn’t buckled under the weight. The room was much bigger than those the freshers stayed in, with a double bed and a proper full-sized desk. Simmons’ disappeared through a door on the right and Skye heard water running. A bathroom, thought Skye as she glanced at the pinboard above the desk. She was just reading over a printed copy of Simmons’ class schedule when she felt a hand on her shoulder.

‘Sorry, just wanted to wash my hands. I split beer on myself earlier and they still felt sticky,’ said Simmons, tugging at the hem of her shirt then clamping her mouth shut, a blush creeping across her cheeks.

‘It’s cool,’ said Skye, smiling at Simmons softly. ‘So, what do you want to do? We can sit and talk if you like or I can tell you more crap jokes.’

‘Maybe later,’ said Simmons, straightening up and stepping closer to Skye. ‘Right now, what I’d really like to do is kiss you and then perhaps get you out of those jeans. May I?’

‘Oh hell yes,’ said Skye, her knees trembling as Simmons grabbed her t-shirt collar and slowly tugged her down into a kiss. 

Simmons kissed almost languidly, her hands snaking around Skye’s neck and waist. Skye felt like she could almost taste her own heartbeat as it hammered in her throat. She breathed deeply, pulling Simmons’ hips closer and nipping at her bottom lip. Simmons’ smiled into the kiss, backing Skye up until she was pressed against the wall. Skye felt her shirt snag on something and broke away when she realised she was caught on a drawing pin that was holding a poster up. 

‘Sorry,’ said Simmons with a grin as she pulled Skye to the side, resuming her kisses the second that they were clear. 

One of Simmons’ hands slid down from Skye’s waist, tugging gently on her belt loop before coming to a halt on her thigh. Skye felt Simmons’ nails scratch over her jeans, catching on the outer seam, and let out a shaky breath. Simmons’ lips brushed against Skye’s neck as she tilted her head up, letting the shorter girl suck at the sensitive skin there. Skye’s hands grew needy, once again pulling Simmons’ closer by the hips and then moving under the hem of her shirt to press against hot skin.

Skye groaned when Simmons bit down lightly at the skin above her collarbone, her hips pushing into Simmons’ instinctively. Chuckling, Simmons pressed her thigh between Skye’s legs, giving her the pressure she was looking for. She kissed her again, breaking away to look in Skye’s eyes as she began lifting her t-shirt. Skye didn’t stop her, only grinned as she allowed Simmons to slip it off and then her bra. 

Barechested and breathless, Skye looked incredibly beautiful to Simmons. She told her as much as she began sliding her hands up Skye’s sides to palm her breasts. Skye arched against her as she carried on massaging, thumbs brushing lightly over Skye’s nipples. 

‘Simmons, you are way too overdressed,’ panted Skye, fumbling with the buttons on Simmons’ shirt. ‘Fiddly little fu-.’

‘Here, let me,’ said Simmons, only moving away long enough to unbutton her shirt and toss it to the floor. 

Skye’s mouth went dry at the sudden expanse of pale skin that she could roam her fingers over. Simmons let her touch, breathing heavily and staring at Skye with intensity. It was too much for her to handle and suddenly she crashed back into Skye with renewed vigour, hands sure and steady as her lips kissed every available inch of skin. Simmons kissed lower as she sank to her knees, tugging Skye’s jeans down with her. Skye felt Simmons shallow breaths at her hip and her fingers on her thigh. When Simmons moved again, Skye’s knees buckled. 

Later, as they both lay in the middle of Simmons’ bedroom floor, Skye pressed a kiss to a freckle on her shoulder. Simmons turned to look at her, gently brushing her fingers over a carpet burn on Skye’s hip. The silence between them wasn’t uncomfortable but Skye felt the need to fill it so she cleared her throat.

‘What kind of ghosts haunt chemistry labs?’

‘I don’t know,’ said Simmons, the corners of her mouth already beginning to quirk.

‘Methylated Spirits.’ answered Skye with a grin. 

Simmons laughed at her crap joke and Skye hoped she always would.


End file.
